Tim and I: the re-beginning

I have known Tim for 4 years; I have seen him as a follower, a leader, a mentor, and a friend. I have seen him fail and handle defeat, I have seen him rise above, and I have always been impressed with his determination. He has always seemed to have things figured out. He makes decisions so easily.

Most people would say we couldn’t be more different; they would be right. 
He is from New Jersey and I am from East Texas. I am easy going and tend to be quieter, he is easily excited and a huge people person. He loves to make decisions and I rarely make them at all. He is great at math and catching grammar, I am a free thinker and creative spirit. He is very clean and tidy, I tend to be messy. He seeks to challenge and I encourage. He loves to speak in front of crowds; I love to have coffee one-on-one.  On top of those things, he is black (half) and I am white, and in the south that’s often a HUGE difference.

But it works.

We both love adventures and traveling, we love the church. We enjoy cooking and reading books. We both value people more than any earthly possession. We are both studiers and students of life. Where he is strong I am weak. We are both submitted and dependent on the same God, and we both seek to glorify him in all we do. We truly want what He wants in His timing.

It’s taken 2 years for me to come around to the idea of relationships; I have been such a fearful person. Marriage has been my worst fear because it’s always meant impending failure. I have seen very few first marriages last. It breaks my heart and in many ways has shaped my perspective on marriage. All I wanted was for God to prove me wrong. I waited for Him to.

Tim and I dated 2 years ago and I broke things off because of fear; I knew how he felt and what he was thinking. I talked myself into and out of a marriage while we were just dating, yes women can do that. Something in my heart starting to ask questions months later and I was so closed off to the idea of revisiting it… God has a way of being constant though, so it continued to come up. I saw that it was my fault, and that I was the fearful one; I was the one who didn’t let him in, and in trying to protect everyone and myself I freaked out. I needed to apologize… but I couldn’t, I knew that would start a whole other journey and I NEVER wanted to hurt him again. That was in February of this year.

In June we talked for the first time, really, since we have broken up. It was so natural but the obvious elephant was between us. “Remember that time we broke up,” is never a fun thing to say. But that week I explained everything and apologized. As that happened something in my heart began to change and I became open to what God had in store, but I wanted to be slow and be sure. We hung out a couple times and began having conversations. I realized so quickly why I was attracted to him before, because we are SO different. I love that when I am with him I see a different side of life and of God. He helps complete my perspective. Color has never mattered to me in the way it matters to some people, I have a deep love for Africa and other countries and cultures. I love the way different pigments look together, it brings my heart so much joy.

Tim was made to pursue, he does it so well. He is great but more than that, I feel so loved by God and so protected when he is around. I feel like even when we disagree, it’s going to be ok. There is a deep reverence that he has for God, and that makes me feel so secure and safe to be around him. He loves God more than he loves me and that’s what I need.

So yes, we couldn't be more different but I love it. Yes it’s going to be hard, but what in life isn't. I believe in the power of God, of community, and love. My prayer is that God would be glorified, that I would be fearless, and that grace would cover whatever is in store. I don’t know what tomorrow holds but I know the One that does, so I’m fine with whatever comes.